


The process of remembering

by tehhumi



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Gen, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Captain America: The Winter Soldier Compliant, Or linear only in the character's mind, POV First Person, Past Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-09
Updated: 2014-04-09
Packaged: 2018-01-18 19:22:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1439893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tehhumi/pseuds/tehhumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Inside the head of the Winter Soldier when he remembers his past.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The process of remembering

**Author's Note:**

> Beta’d by the amazing kingofherrings, who suggested keeping some way of telling which parts went together, as well as other improvements.

Fifteen years ago, I wake up and feed the chickens.  My mother said she used to do it, but since my father died she rarely gets up before noon, and even then doesn’t care much about the farm.  Fifteen years ago, I notice a blond kid getting beaten up and go to help him, although he’s not the first boy I’ve seen being beaten senseless in a New York alley.  (Maybe it’s because he doesn’t look beaten, doesn’t look like he believes he can lose.) _Fifteen years ago, my youngest brother is born.  There are already six children, but I know that Mother Russia won’t let us go hungry as long as we work._

Six years ago, Steve buys me a bottle of whiskey and we get drunk in our apartment to celebrate my eighteenth birthday.  I kiss him out of joy, and I mean it as a joke, for him to push me off, but he doesn’t, and I’m not going to back off first. 

_Two years and six months ago, the rest of my unit dies in the Great Patriotic War.  I am injured, but they ask me to keep fighting, and I do.  The motherland will always need those who can protect her._ Two years ago, I join the army for the chance it will give me to leave the farm.  My left arm is lost due to a bullet wound and an improperly tied tourniquet less than two months later _.  Two years ago, I am told that my skills are very good, and they must make sure that a sniper will always be available to serve Mother Russia.  The process will not injure me, Dr. Vasilyevexplains, and I agree to wait for my next mission more patiently, as my family is doing well enough without me._   Two years ago, Steve and I go to Coney Island and ride the Cyclone and the Ferris wheel.  We hold hands for a moment at the top, but we don’t dare to kiss somewhere so public.

Seventeen months ago, I am told of a program that will let me continue to fight.  The price for a new arm is skipping some years, but I have no one I will miss.  Sixteen months ago, I wake up as they unstrap me from the operating table.  My ability to manipulate my new arm is amazing, somehow it already feels familiar.  A year and a half ago, I join the Army to help in the war, and watch as Steve is rejected, despite going down to the recruiting station being his idea.  I can’t help feeling glad, knowing he’ll be safe.   _Fourteen months ago, I kill a business man with a dart to the neck.  His car crashes, and I feel sorrow that his wife also died as I step past her body to remove the evidence._  

Twelve months ago, I kill a man in Rome.  I move the body to a private room in a club, as I was ordered.  _Eleven months ago, I train the Black Widow.  Ten months ago, I kill an ambassador from a hundred yards away; making sure his body won’t hit his son._   Nine months ago, the entire 107th Company is captured by Hydra.  After I get too beat up stepping in for skinny little guys, Hydra decides to interrogate me.  Nine months ago, I set fire to the house of a man who was going to tell secrets to enemies of the state.  His family is in there with him, but there are plenty of others who can do their work. _Eight months and two weeks ago, the Black Widow has become Natalia and I realize I almost trust her._ A bit more than eight months ago, Captain America frees the whole camp, and Steve looks so **strange** _._  

Six months ago, I am sold to Advanced Ideas Mechanics and do my best to gather information to report to my superiors.  It takes a month to realize they will not extract me, and another week after I break out for me to believe my country sold me in truth, and start working on my own.  _Six months ago, I realize that for once I have a reason to wish not to sleep between missions.  I ignore it, but hope that Natalia will still be alive when I come out again._

Two months ago, I am given an offer to take out Tony Stark. I accept; even if my country has betrayed me, I can still hurt one of the greediest capitalists out there.  Two months ago, I’ve finally learned how to say “lay down your weapons” in German without Gabe laughing.  _Two months ago, Natalia and I lay in bed together, sharing pipe dreams of getting a house together “when we retire” that we both know will never happen._

Five weeks ago, I take the shot, but his shower door is bullet proof glass that the contractors didn’t know about, and he survives. Now the world’s most famous weapons designer knows he’s a target, and the job will get really difficult. _Five weeks ago I shoot the Romanian ambassador in Paris with a Chinese gun and smile at the chaos it will cause._ Five weeks ago I shoot a Hydra soldier just in time to save Steve’s life, and realize my only reaction to killing him is relief.

Four weeks ago, I convince Steve to screw me against a tank at the Hydra base we just captured. I have bruises all along my thighs, my ass is too sore to sit, and none of the other Commandoes can keep a straight face around me for days, but it’s worth it for the rush.  Four weeks ago, I realize someone has placed hidden cameras at every place with a good angle on Stark Tower after a SHIELD team nearly corners me.

Three weeks ago SHIELD catches me. I didn’t expect them to make the **waiters** at a charity banquet have facial recognition scans. _Three weeks ago, Natalia and I have sex in the bed of an ex-KGB agent. He doesn’t need it anymore, and any evidence we leave will be destroyed when we burn the apartment._   Three weeks ago, Dum-Dum gets a letter from his sister saying she just had her first child, a boy. He buys a round of drinks for the whole squad at the first bar we can find without holes in it.

Two weeks ago, Captain America visits my cell and says “Bucky” like he can’t believe his eyes.  I only recognize him from the news, and unlike the Black Widow, he can’t even be bothered to find out my name.  He acts surprised when I ask him how he thinks he fucking knows me, and is surprisingly good at it. _Two weeks ago, our handlers catch Natalia and I together.  I assure them it’s purely physical, and the punishment is light enough that I can go on a mission the next day._

One week ago, the SHIELD prison is getting dull, especially since they have stopped using pain to try to persuade me.  Instead, Captain America stops by every day to check on my “progress”.  There is a morning interrogation session and an afternoon “therapy” session, but I am not foolish enough to give out information just because the jailer has a different title.  Four days ago, we get information that Armin Zola is being moved to a different base.  Steve meets with the brass to plan how to capture him, and doesn’t even bring up my suggestion of bombing his train instead.  Steve apologizes **thoroughly** that night, so I find it in my heart to forgive him.

_Three days ago, I shoot the man with a knife to Natalia’s throat rather than the target.  I kill the target three hours later, but by then it will no longer pass as infighting.  Two days ago, I say goodbye to Natalia as we return to base.  I am put in a cell for the night.  (I could break out, but I have betrayed my country, and deserve punishment for my sins.)_ Two days ago, the Director of SHIELD himself visits me.  He tells me he has a method to help me regain memories, and that he will give me a job at SHIELD if I use it, then leaves.  As I have not forgotten anything important, this seems like a suspiciously good deal.  Still, a double agent working only to sabotage would be hard to track, and they will likely force their “cure” on me regardless.

Yesterday, the Director returns, and I agree to the “cure”.  He sets down a strange cube and asks me to hold it.   _Yesterday, they send guards to take me to the part of the base where they put me between missions.  The doctor is there of course, but the Commander is as well, which is odd for the end of a mission.  The straps on the table are unusual, but are a blessing as they will keep me from disobeying during my punishment._   Yesterday, I pick up Steve’s shield to block the man who’s trying to kill him.  I’m weaker than Steve now though, and the shot that he’d barrel through sends the shield one way and me the other.  It gives Steve time to get up, so it’s worth it, even if I’m barely hanging on to the train. 

_Yesterday, they put me under again, saying I can’t endanger any more missions with my unpredictability._ Yesterday, I fall and watch the train pull Steve away from me.  Yesterday, I reach out and touch the cube. 

 

**Today, a nurse asks me what the last thing I remember is, and I start laughing.** _ “Everything.”  _

 


End file.
